The Problem With Your Marriage

The Problem With Your Marriage

I know you already have an amazing life.  I know you’re “happy” most of the time. And that you’re grateful, really grateful for your kids and your life and all you’ve created, so far.  

I also know that you still struggle in your marriage. You feel disconnected at times.  You bicker and fight too much. And you definitely don’t have sex as often as you used to.   

How do I know?  Because I’ve been there.  And because 8 out of 10 women who I coach experience this too.

Your relationship might look okay on the outside.  People think you’re an awesome couple. It might be “OK”, even good, but its not amazing.  You might still love each other, and respect each other but you don’t feel fully connected and as IN LOVE as you want to be.  And basically, even though you have a lot to be grateful for your relationship is not something you’re crazy proud of, not at this point in your life.  

Here’s the problem….

You’re not putting enough energy, attention and focus into your relationship.

You know it.  I know it. And your husband knows it too.  

Sure we can talk about how he’s not romantic anymore and how he should plan date nights and how he comes home after work and just shuts down and watches TV or scrolls through social media.  That’s all real. I get it. But it’s also out of our control. We can’t change anyone else. (Believe me…I’ve tried). Especially our spouses.

What we CAN do is put energy, attention and focus on what we DO want.  On the connection. On the romance. On the love, the kindness, the support, the adoration, whatever it is, we WANT. We can focus on THAT.  And when we do, we create more of it.

Here’s how…..  

We need to build a stronger foundation.  

See after two people have been together a long time we stop meeting each other’s needs.  It’s not intentional. It’s just what happens. We stop showing up for them intimately, sexually, sensually and playfully.  Like we used to. And they stop showing up for us emotionally. Again, we can’t change them. What we CAN do is change our behavior.  We can start showing up, really showing up, giving them their love language daily. (Please tell me you know what your love language is and what his love language is… if not, start there) And filling their bucket with what they need.  That’s how you establish a stronger foundation. And from that strong solid foundation, you can keep building.

Most women come to my programs thinking that they just need to share their frustrations with their husband.  They want to tell him all the ways he is not meeting their needs. And that will change things.

Nope.  That will backfire.  Trust me. Been there.  Done that.

When we work on the foundation.  The daily connection. Giving them their love language.  DAILY. Setting up weekly date nights. Hosting weekly marriage meetings.  Lining up quarterly overnights. (Yes even those) All of that leads to the romance, the intimacy, the love and adoration that you’re longing for.  

It starts with US.  And that’s ok. We were made for this.  Relationships define us. We often feel more genuinely fulfilled when our relationships are flourishing.  

Men are different. They’re from Mars and we’re from Venus. They define their success through their success.  Usually in their jobs and through their financial freedom. But not us. Sure we might like both. And we can have both.  But if there was ONE thing we defined our life by, it would be our intimate relationships. When we do that right. We know we’ve won at life.  

So let’s make them a priority.  Let’s take this relationship, this marriage, and make it the best relationship possible.  Let’s not settle for good, let’s make it GREAT and then ExTRAORDINARY.

Who’s with me?  Are you ready for MORE?

 If you want to discover more ways to up-level your life and relationship, check out this FREE download with lots of tips and tools how you can make powerful positive changes.  It’s called The 5 Worst Strategies High Achieving Women Implement While Trying To Up-Level Their Lives. I won’t just share what doesn’t work (and I promise you’ll relate, you’re probably trying all of them right now) But I’ll also share what DOES work.  And give you suggestions you can use TODAY to move your life forward.

Download the FREE pdf here.

Our relationships are precious.  Let’s treat them that way. And take our whole lives up a notch.  

Loving what is,
Steffani

This Holiday, How Can I Love You Better

This Holiday, How Can I Love You Better

Quick question…

How often do you show your partner you love them?

How often do you show your kids that you love them?

Do you do it THIS time of year but not every day?

Do you talk about it openly? Do you know what they need to feel loved?

For me, the magic of the holiday season is a great excuse to love on people more.
I give more hugs for no reason.
I tell my friends and family I love them and wish them well and happy.
I write letters of gratitude and give gifts of thanks.

Easy to do this now.  What if we did this ALL the time.  And what if we dove DEEPER into love over the holidays.

Thich Nhat Hanh says in his book Touching Peace that we should look deeply into our loved ones eyes and say “please tell me how I can love you better.”

If you’re a woman talking to a man I’m sure you know the nature of how he might respond. And it will most likely have to take place in the bedroom. Instead of just shrugging this off, really listen for the answer and see how you can meet your family’s needs.

When I asked my husband this question his first answer had something to do with me in a maid costume. Then, when I pushed him for more, he had a few practical suggestions.

“Support me when I have to work a lot. Help me find time to get out and play hockey. Don’t ride me when I’m tired and dismissive, it’s nothing personal.”

Wow. Is that all?

Seriously….aren’t those great suggestions? Are you telling me that if I do those things you’ll feel more LOVED? Then I’m in! Not a problem.

When I asked my friends they said nothing at first then they told me that I can call them more, and I can send them a holiday card. How easy is that? I would love to love them better in that way. When I asked my sister she said, “you can spend more time with me. You can support my dreams.” My other sister said, “you can be more patient with me.” What wonderful information for me to learn about my family.

What if we asked our kids “How can I love you better?” And really listened to the answer. They might have some great suggestions. The answers might have to do with more flexibility or more freedom and maybe that’s OK. They might want to spend more time with you, and that’s OK too. Or they might need you to be more patient with them or kinder with your words. (um, raises hand…)

But wouldn’t it be great to know how you can love someone better? Why not ask them and see for yourself?

I dare you, this holiday season, ask your Mom, ask your sister, ask your children. Be so bold to ask your husband or wife and see the beauty it brings.

I hope this holiday season finds you FILLED with more happiness than your heart and hands can hold.

How can I love you better?

Steffani

Day 3 – The Belief Challenge

Day 3 – The Belief Challenge

Believe that Nothing is Too Good to be True

Cultivate big dreams.  Believe wholeheartedly that those big dreams will come true.

Our human nature compels us to tend to focus on what hasn’t come true – what is lacking. It’s just where our mind goes. Consider for a moment the MANY things we now have or have done that were once only a dream.

We need to focus more on those.

Life is full of wonder. And awe. And Miracles.

We only have to allow ourselves to see it.

Nothing is impossible. Nothing is too good to be true. Life is full of fairytales.

Look for them. They’re everywhere.