Mastering Your Mindset
steffani

Mastering Your Mindset

If you’re a Mom I think you can relate to this story…  It happened to me a few years ago.

I was going in for my son’s first-grade parent-teacher conference.

I walked into the school, my head spinning with thoughts of doubt. I was skeptical about putting my son into public school from the beginning.  

I had these limiting beliefs that public school wouldn’t work for him, and unfortunately, I had these beliefs and thoughts enough that they started playing out.

He wasn’t having a great first-grade experience. During this conference, the teacher began telling me what my son was doing wrong, and how disappointed she was in him, how he didn’t try hard enough and had too much energy. She proceeded to tell me how “kids like him needed to be on medication” (which is something that legally teachers can’t tell parents).

Unfortunately, I started getting quite upset, pissed off actually, and then I exploded on her… “I don’t think there is anything wrong with my son, I think there is something wrong with you” – I just went off on her. I freaked out.

You see what happened there?  My anger trumped everything.

My anger took over and it transformed the entire situation. It was no longer her fault, it was now mine.

My anger and eruption overpowered what she had done (which in my eyes was clearly wrong). And now here I was, the one who needed to apologize. I was the one who lost control. So it was now my fault.

Anger puts us in a place where we are no longer focussing on the original issue, we are now apologizing for our anger and that becomes the issue.  

This epic mom-fail made me realize how badly I needed to master my mindset.

I want to share with you 4 Transformational Tips that helped me to put my anger to rest and master my thoughts, words, and emotions. Watch this video for a face to face inside scoop! 👇

#1 Awareness is the master of discipline. 

You can’t shift your shit if you don’t know what you need to shift. You must know where your negative thoughts are coming from, and know that you’re setting a negative mindset. Know that you CAN step out of these overwhelming thoughts.

We have to know where our negative thoughts are coming from, we have to know why we’re focussing on these anxieties and that we’re setting these negative mindsets by complaining and basking in our negative habits.

We have to know all of the dirty thoughts are creating these messy lives that we don’t want to live in, and we have to know that our overwhelm thoughts are creating more overwhelm. We have to know what pieces of our mind we need to shift to successfully shift our lives.

#2  Anger trumps everything.

It runs the show and it takes over. We can’t take control back until we can control our reactions and our anger.

When we’re in a situation with our children, and they’re doing something wrong and we respond with anger, that anger we display trumps their behavior (meaning that nothing else that happened matters anymore once we’ve gone off our rails).

When you master your mindset you will mastering your emotions as well and you will no longer be so quick to explode and respond with anger

#3 We are in control.

When we truly claim that and take responsibility we can change it! We are in control of our thoughts, our emotions, and our triggers. Our thoughts are the light switch to our emotions. When we’re aware we are in control we can make change.

My thoughts when I was sitting in this conference were “they don’t get my son”, “he’s not meant to be here”, “nobody understands him”, and “I knew this was going to happen”. “This teacher is awful”.

My thoughts created this trigger that flipped the light switch to my emotions.

When we control our thoughts, the thoughts can create a reality around what we DO want.

This is good news!

There is no puppeteer up there, we don’t have to feel like a victim to our own thoughts. We are in control. We can start directing our subconscious thoughts. It’s like muscle memory, and we can create the habit

Something I like to do is use a cancel process. A cancel process is when you cancel the negative thought and replace it with a positive thought.

Now when I have a thought of “oh my son isn’t meant for public school”, my thought becomes “My son is thriving”.  You see, he wasn’t really having a negative experience, I was living a negative experience through him.

My anger trumped all.

I apologized to this teacher and told her “I am so sorry and this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me”. He is having a really good experience, it was all of my stuff that I was spurging onto this teacher.

When I look back at this I think about how I could’ve handled it better. I should’ve said I’m going to need to end this conference and pick up where we left off tomorrow and said “here is where things went wrong for me”. That would’ve been so much better.

When you feel like you’re in a place where your heart rate is pumping and you NEED to say something that is usually when you need to take a step back and think on things.

I am in control of my triggers, I am in control of my emotions, and I am in control of my mindset.

A trigger is like a thorn under your skin, and we expect nobody to bump into us and hit our triggers.. But it’s not the world’s job not to trigger us. It’s ours.

It’s our job to be in control of our thoughts, emotions, triggers, and DIG IT UP.

Change your perception, and change your world.

# 4 What you think about, and focus on you get more of.

The more I thought about my son not working in public school, the more I saw that. So I started thinking about him thriving, I started thinking about him feeling understood and having great social and emotional education there.

What you set your mind on you’ll get more of! That’s why I think this mindset work is SO important.

Are you ready to master your mindset?

bad momI hope that you’ll join me, I have a Badass Mom Mindset Online Retreat happening August 21st. It is 21 days long, as it takes 21 days to build a habit. For 21 straight days, we are going to share and grow together.

I am going to share tips and tools, and we are going to go through these steps as a community. There will be a secret Badass Mom Mindset facebook group.

 

Some of the things we are going to go over are:

 

>How to stay positive when you’re around a lot of negativity

> How to remove your triggers for good

> The mindset around our excuses, our negative intentions, our unreasonable expectations, negative self-talk, our limiting fears and beliefs about being a mom that become a root of all these triggers and limits and things that hold us back from living a life we really love.

> 5-10 min videos/audios every day to raise your life to next level! Little by little, a little becomes A LOT.

And SO much more! Let me show you.

I can’t wait to see you there!

Xxx,

Steff

P.S. Have you been longing to live the life you always wanted, but it always feels just out of reach? I’m here to help you take back your dreams. It takes a village, and that’s why I’ve built a community of women just like you who are ready to master their mindsets! Join us here: http://badassmommindset.com/

P.P.S. This is why I love helping Badass Moms rock their dream lives!

 

 

 

How I Overcame “Bad Mom” Syndrome
steffani

How I Overcame “Bad Mom” Syndrome

This is a re-post from August 2015 but something we all need to hear often!

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I was recently reflecting on my happiness. I’m a happiness coach so this comes naturally to me. I realized that I was really happy in many areas of my life. I’m in great shape. I have a fulfilling career. Two happy healthy kids. The spouse of my dreams. A great social life. My husband and I were getting along great. So what was that lingering feeling that was giving me anxiety? Like I accidentally had a triple espresso. You know that heart flutter and unease that can come and go? Diving deeper I realized it was my parenting.

I have read every book out there on parenting. You name it….positive discipline, mindful parenting, simplicity parenting, whole-brain child. I read baby books, toddler books, sleep books, routine books, everything. But that lingering anxiety was still there. And I finally honed in on the fact that it was a deep fear creeping up. That fear? Bad Mom Syndrome. I think a lot of women have a deep fear of being a ‘bad mom’. Having kids who misbehave. Yelling at our kids. Feeding them sugar, wheat, non-organic food. Too much TV. Too much technology. Not enough road trips and bike rides.

Now that I was aware of my big fear it was time to address it. Where did it come from? And how was it affecting me? I realized I was letting it control my life. When my kids had a meltdown, yep, fear manifest. They’re melting down because I don’t know what I’m doing. They misbehave, un-huh, there you go, I’m a bad mom. They don’t listen, yep, these books don’t’ work, I’m clueless, I need help. They’re out of control, they don’t eat, fear manifest.

Awareness is the Key

Luckily, awareness is the key. When I became aware of this deep fear, this limiting belief that was running my life, now I can do something about it. Step one, look at my reactions to my kids’ perceived behavior. Was I reacting from my higher self? Or from my bad mom fear? Hmmmm. Let’s see, I’m yelling at them and grabbing them by the arm like a lunatic. Yep, bad mom fear. Next, how can I change it? For me, that came down one big shift.

Radical acceptance.

How can I radically accept my parenting?

I looked deeply at my strengths and highlighted those. And looked at my weaknesses. And stopped trying to change those. I might not be an all organic, whole food, sugar-free Mom and I’m okay with that. I might give my kids an iPad in the car or to running errands and I’m ok with that too. The stress comes from feeling bad about it. Wanting it to be different. Next…

How can I radically accept my kids?

In all their perfect imperfections. Can I accept them as the perfect messy 3-year-old and the bold fearless 6-year old that they are? Is it ok if they don’t take a bath every night? Yes. Why did I ever think differently? Maybe the 52 parenting books I read actually took away my ability to listen to my guidance and make my own decisions.

The most empowering decision I ever made in my parenting was to stop seeking advice. And start trusting my own instincts. Focus on my strengths, on what I’m good at, on what I can do. And really accept those areas that I need some work. So what If I don’t take both of my kids swimming when I’m alone. I’ll get over it. And the more I accept who they are like the perfection in every sunset. The better we all experience life. Syndrome cured.

Here’s how you overcome Bad Mom Syndrome.

Step 1. Awareness

Awareness is the key. When I became aware of this deep fear, this limiting belief that was running my life, now I can do something about it. I was aware of my reactions to my kids’ perceived behavior. Was I reacting from my higher self? Or from my bad mom fear? Hmmmm. Let’s see, I’m yelling at them and grabbing them by the arm like a lunatic. Yep, bad mom fear. Yikes. How can I change that?

Step 2. Radical acceptance

How can I radically accept my parenting?

I looked deeply at my strengths and highlighted those. And looked at my weaknesses. And stopped trying to change those. I might not be an all organic, whole food, sugar-free Mom and I’m okay with that. I might give my kids an iPad in the car or to running errands and I’m ok with that too. The stress comes from feeling bad about it. Wanting it to be different. Next…

How can I radically accept my kids?

In all their perfect imperfections. Can I accept them as the perfect messy 3-year-old and the bold fearless 6-year old that they are? Is it ok if they don’t take a bath every night? Yes. Why did I ever think differently? Maybe the 52 parenting books I read actually took away my ability to listen to my guidance and make my own decisions.

Step 3. Trust YOU

The most empowering decision I ever made in my parenting was to stop seeking advice. And start trusting my own instincts. Focus on my strengths, on what I’m good at, on what I can do. And really accept those areas that I need some work. So what If I don’t take both of my kids swimming when I’m alone. I’ll get over it. And the more I really accept who my kids are like I do the perfection in every sunset, the better we all experience life.

Syndrome cured.

Join me in the Badass Mom Society for Mom support.

 

Confessions From a Mom of a Strong Willed Child
steffani

Confessions From a Mom of a Strong Willed Child

I originally posted this in November 2015. From the comments I read on Facebook from other Mom’s of strong-willed children, I thought it was important to repost now.

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I yell at my kids.

I’ve grabbed my son, Jack, by the arm and literally dragged him to his room. I have slapped his hand, spanked his butt, and told him I’m moving to California and never coming back.

None of this I’m proud of. It actually haunts me at night. How I, a very peaceful, loving, happy and positive person most of the time, could do this to a child is beyond me. He’s only 6, and this has been going on since he was born. If I saw someone treating their kid this way I would be disgusted. Not only would I judge them harshly, but I would consider calling the police.

I see it a lot, though. And all too often is nothing physical — it’s just verbal abuse. Literally, abuse. Recently I looked at a Mom who was berating her son at a hockey game about the usual morning issues, “You had your socks when we left the house. It’s not my job to keep track of your stuff,” she yelled while dragging him by the arm across the locker room. They were obviously late for the game. She slammed him down on the bench and started unpacking his hockey bag by dumping the contents all over the floor. I saw the look in this 9-year-old’s eyes — he was defeated. He looked like a 9-year-old version of my son, almost exactly. I wanted to walk over to her and whisper, “There’s a better way. Don’t do this.” Instead, I looked inside and turned those words back on myself. How can I find a better way when in that moment?

Do You Have a Strong-willed Child Too?

If you have a “strong-willed” child at home, which basically describes every kid between the age of 18 months to 8 years old, then you know you’ve been there. it’s not EVERY kid that age, but most of them. You know if you have a strong-willed child, and you’ve probably known since the day they were born. A strong-willed child can push buttons you never thought you had. They’re the toddlers that run away from you at the park with no fear at all. They’re the kids that drop their pants at a playdate just for laughs. Who uses every bad word he knows to get attention from his friends. Who crosses a line if you say don’t cross it.

Right? Do you know what I mean?

My son has a filter up to the words. “Don’t” and “No.” When you say them, he MUST do it. That’s how he’s wired. And I’m sure I was the same way. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my son so hard it hurts. Sometimes I literally want to eat him for breakfast. I can’t get enough of his cheeks and his soft skin and his cute haircut. It’s beyond words. I’m sure you know. And sometimes when I’m putting him to bed at the end of a long day, his strong will is almost blinding me. I want to jump out of the window. I have said more then once, “If you don’t lay down and get to sleep I’m going to jump out of this fucking window.” Yes, I swore at a 2-year-old!

So, when I saw that Mom, spent and furious, treating her kid like a common criminal, I looked within and I asked myself how can I be the best Mom possible to my strong-willed child?

And here’s what I came up with… Here’s my REAL confession…

I am not a perfect Mom.

Sometimes I don’t even feel like a good Mom, but I do think my son is perfect. Sometimes he misbehaves, but he’s still perfect. He often doesn’t listen, but he’s still perfect. He challenges any and all authority, but he’s perfect. If there’s a rule, he will break it, but that’s perfect. I’m done trying to make my son someone he’s not. I’m sick of feeling like a bad parent every time his behavior is outside of the norm or makes people uncomfortable. A strong-willed child has an enormous personality. That’s a lot to fit in a tiny body. They’re trying to figure this life thing out, right along beside us. Some teachers get it. Most don’t. They’re intimidated by their strength. Camp counselors either love them or hate them. And that’s ok.

The most important thing is that I love him. That I GET him, and that I accept him for the strong-willed kid that he is. What I know for sure is that he’ll grow up to do amazing things. Kids with personalities the size of Texas don’t just idle through life unnoticed. They make waves and those waves create a ripple. Last week, he insisted on carrying his teacher’s chair for her. My heart melted. And he asked a kid over for a playdate because he thought he could use a friend. That’s my boy. Now if only I can remember that when I’m trying to get him to go to bed. I’m working on it. Until then I’ll remind myself that strong-willed children come from strong-willed parents, who were typically strong-willed children too. I feel they need a LOT of compassion and maybe more breathing room than other kids. Lots of responsibility and tons of love. I’m gonna stop apologizing so much and stop walking on eggshells. I’m gonna be confident and supportive of my son and who he is, in all his perfection.

If you have a strong-willed kid at home, join me. What can you do to accept your child and encourage their uniqueness all while loving yourself, too?

Join me on the Badass Mom Society Facebook Group for support from other Moms just like you!