WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE DIES
steffani

WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE DIES

My sister in law passed away yesterday.

She was sick for a LONG time. And she wasn’t a part of our everyday lives due to her choices in this lifetime. But it’s never easy. You always feel a loss no matter the circumstances. She was only 48 years old. What a tragedy. A life ending way too soon.

I’m no stranger to death. None of us are. I’ve lost a sister too.

I’ve done a LOT of work on my own grief. Learning at a young age how to deal with loss is a blessing when you get older.

When. You. Get. Older.

And there’s another benefit. You can help others through it.

Here are some things that came to me yesterday.

#1. Lean in
Sometimes it’s hard to go all in and help when someone dies. I realized recently that I fall back into and feel all the loss in my life when someone else loses someone. At first I want to pull away. I want to say ‘I’m sorry’ and be busy and send a card and move on. I don’t want to be pulled back into that pain. But I realized that pulling away only delays our own healing. And doesn’t help them at all. So now…I lean in. I FEEL it. I cry. I grieve. I tell them how awful it feels and that I know it. I go all in.

#2. Just show up
A lot of people offer to help. “Let me know what I can do”. But when you’re in it. You don’t even know what you need. JUST SHOW UP. Sure send dinners. Drop off cards. Bring food. Give them tickets to a hockey game. Whatever comes to you. And also, maybe more importantly, text them and tell them you’re there. Not just emotionally there but physically there. “I’m at the park down the street, I’d love to take a walk if you’re free. Text me back if you’re available.” “I have a sitter and a reservation at our favorite restaurant. Show up if you can.” “I’m on your front porch if you need a hug”. That type of showing up. Make offers to drive the kids. To take them out. To go on trips. To distract them with the beauty of life. And SHOW UP. It helps. I promise.

#3. Help them be happy
After my sister died people were awkward with me for a LONG time. They wouldn’t talk about her. It was weird to laugh. It felt like the joy was sucked out of life. Like it wasn’t allowed for a while. Laughter and joy can be a fast track back to the normalcy that we’re longing for. Let them laugh. Help them to find that happiness again. What lights them up inside? What do they love? Do that. Don’t be afraid to let joy seep in. Seek it out for them. No amount of sadness will change the situation. You can still encourage them to feel the grief while also share some happiness and laughter.

#4. Be normal
Don’t tread lightly around everything. There’s too much “are you ok?” conversation and that just sets things back. Be YOU. And let them be them. When you can help them get back to a sense of normal without always bringing the heaviness back in they will feel safe with you. And that’s when they’ll FEEL and that’s when they’ll heal. So…Dance. Vent. Eat ice cream. Complain about the weather. Whatever it is you do regularly, do it X 1000. It’s needed now more than ever.

This life is so precious. Sometimes in deep grief we want to give up. But really we have found a new version of ourselves. Anyone who’s greiveing need us now more than ever. When we can really show up, it can deepen our relationship and create a lifelong connection. Besides, who knows when you’ll need them to return the favor? Life is precious. Be there for it.

We’ll miss you Deirdre. You did your best with the hand you were dealt. And we all loved you a lot! RIP.

How To Prepare Your Kids While You’re Away
steffani

How To Prepare Your Kids While You’re Away

If you read my blog last week about Why Moms Need To Travel  you know I’m an advocate of Moms traveling solo. I travel for work and pleasure often.  And have found a WONDERFUL way to prepare the kids, and our whole family for my time away.  (Tips on Mommy guilt coming later…)

Here are some of the tools I’ve used that have made traveling a LOT easier.

First and foremost spend LOTS of one on one time with them before you leave.Need I say more?  If you’re a parent you get it.

 

I buy a dollar store gift for every day I’m gone.  It helps them get excited to get out of bed and my husband has really easy mornings with them when they have this to look forward to and keep them busy.  They usually contain simple games, or an easy dot to dot coloring book, or painting project.  They love them.  Quick warning…husbands don’t like Silly String 🙂

 

In a jar with a label I leave 1 kiss for each kid for each day that I’m away.  This way when there are only a few left they know I’ll be home soon.  And they know I’m thinking of them and this is my “KISS”.

 

I can’t leave without a detailed spreadsheet for everyone who will be helping out.  It includes their daily schedule, their morning, afterschool and evening routines.  Everyone and anyone’s phone numbers, including friends parents for play dates.  All of their activities are on there.  Who’s picking up who when.  AND their logins for certain apps or websites they might use.  Like ABC Mouse or Lexia Core.

spreadsheet

 

I can’t forget about my first love. 🙂  I leave daily cards or notes for my husband so he knows how grateful I am for him while he’s doing extra duties around the house and with the kids.  I’ve left little notes in our shower or bathroom and full handwritten cards and letters.  Sometimes I ask the kids to give them to him once I’m gone in a nice box so they have that to look forward to the day I leave.

 

I always ask my kids to give me one of their “lovies” or stuffed animals while I travel.  So I can take photos of where I am and show them what I’m up to.  They know that I snuggle these lovies at night and think about them all the time.  These lovies have more fun then the average person.  🙂  One time they were dancing on stage in front of hundreds of people.  The kids LOVED it.

 

Once I started doing all of this when I went out of town it was a LOT easier to leave.  My kids don’t whine about it.  They actually look forward to it. 🙂

I always return with a present or a treat.  And even if they miss me while I’m gone they have a lot of reinforcement that I’m thinking of them and that I’ll be back soon.

Will my kids be ok while I’m away?

The answer is HELL YES they will.

Now for those Moms who are longing to travel but still feel their kids will not be ok without them.  I can tell you from experience it has HELPED my kids.  They realize that they don’t need me for everything. They’re more self-reliant when I’m gone.  I feel it’s ok for kids to miss someone.  It doesn’t break them like we fear.  They’re stronger than we know.  A few days away is just a blip on the radar in their long and beautiful lives.  It’s important for me to teach my kids how to handle challenging situations. How to get by and manage the day without me over their shoulder.  And it teaches them how to have reverence for something, to be grateful when something returns, with gifts. 🙂  When I travel alone it helps them learn all of that.   It has really enhanced our lives.   I hope this enhances yours.

 
Loving this life and travel,

Steffani
Founder and Happiness Coach at www.myhappilife.com
steffani@myhappilife.com

Why Moms Need to Travel …
steffani

Why Moms Need to Travel …

I know this will ruffle some feathers.

We’ve all witnessed the soccer field conversations where Moms wear their loyalty like a badge of honor and try and one-up each other about who has gone longer without leaving their kids.   I hate that game, I always lose instantly.

I love to travel alone.  And I have two young kids.  So I’ve heard it all.

The judgments.   “How can you leave for that long?   Kids need their Mommy”. (Said by my Mom MANY times by the way)

The passive aggressive comments.  “Oh I could never leave my kids.  I would just miss them too much.”  (Oh and I apparently am not as loving is that what you mean?)

And the Moms who long for it.  “God I would love to do that.   Teach me how.”

I’m not here to convert anyone.   Or tell anyone how they should parent.   I’m just here to share my beliefs and to inspire the few who might be longing for more to take action on that desire and book a trip.

I believe that Moms should travel.  IF they’re longing for it.   IF it interests them.   IF there are things that they’re really excited about and places they’re dying to visit.

Here’s why I travel…..

I travel to be a better person. 

I mainly travel to conferences and personal growth experiences.   So I mean that very literally.   But even when I’ve traveled just purely for pleasure I feel like I grow as a person and as a Mom.

I travel to have time to deeply look at my life.

When I’m away I have new mental clarity for the vision I have for my life.   I always end up texting my husband some deep, meaningful messages filled with gratitude and big dreams and he always comments….”  you’re in your travel state of mind”.   He’s right.  Because when I’m away and not dealing with all the logistics of parenting I have room to dream.

I travel to sleep through the night without getting up ONCE.

Not much to explain here.  If you have kids….you get it.

I travel to explore new cultures and have new experiences.

My life is enhanced by new experiences and I don’t consider a new store opening or a new movie coming out a NEW experience.

I travel to meet new people who are very different from me.

I have a friend named Juraj from Slovakia.   He’s the smartest man I’ve ever know.   And really positive.   Really happy.   Really healthy.   We just click.  I met him and his amazing  girlfriend Jana at a conference years ago.   It’s one of the most beautiful friendships I’ve ever had.   We’ve traveled together.   My kids adore them.   I couldn’t imagine my life without friends like this.   And I feel like I can only meet them when I travel.

I travel to allow my husband the chance to be fully in charge.

When we were new parents, we had a therapist tell us once.“  Let your husband have one day a week by himself with your son.” It was the best advice we could have been given as new parents.  It really helped me to let go, and him to step up.  When I travel, I arrange A LOT, spreadsheets, sitters, rides to hockey games.  But my husband also has to do a LOT without me.  And that is a good thing.

I travel to be more grateful. 

When I’m away, I long for what I have.   I’m always SO EXCITED to come home.   I can’t wait to tackle my kids and fill their bodies with kisses.   I can’t wait to tackle my husband and fill him with kisses.   I can’t wait to sleep in my own bed and drive my car and take a steam shower.   I love my life and am even MORE grateful for it when I come home from any length trip.

Mainly I travel to come back a new ME.    A new and improved version of myself.   Whether it’s an overnight in the city with my girlfriends or 9 days in Kuala Lumpur to teach a program, I return anew.   How can I not?   New experiences = New reality.

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder.  I say distance makes me a more patient, tolerant and loving mom.  It helps me have more reverence for this life I’ve created.  Even my son’s bedwetting, even my daughter’s potty mouth, even my Mom’s judgmental comments about my travels.   I embrace life in a different way when I get home.   And that alone makes it all so worth it.

Stay tuned for next week’s blog with tips and tricks on how to prepare your family while you travel and to answer the question ….will my kids be ok while I’m away?

Now who wants to travel with me?

Loving this life and travel,

Steffani
Founder and Happiness Coach at www.myhappilife.com
steffani@myhappilife.com